I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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