he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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