We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
