Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize