Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I want to fling myself into the sun
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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