OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
