how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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