Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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