I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My bed smells like the plague
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