fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
