Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
