God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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