I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
