Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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