I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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