I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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