My sheets look like a crime scene.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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