I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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