What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize