If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Randomize
