what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
