is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
