and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
