"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
