I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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