Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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