It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
