Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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