Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
