The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
