apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
