I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
