i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
