My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
