smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
