I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize