I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
All I want is dick and wine.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize