I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
