You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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