i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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