Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
