I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
