the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
