I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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