I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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