I just gift wrapped bread.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
