a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
