dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
im having a threesome with these popsicles
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
