I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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