coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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