it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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