Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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