im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Randomize
