Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just blew my weed a kiss
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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